Yesterday I was. Today I’m Not.
Yesterday I was PREGNANT! I was going to have my 2010 baby. My Christmas baby. I was finally starting to wrap my head around the fact that I was finally pregnant. Then today all of that was shattered. I miscarried. And that really sucks. I was making plans, looking at baby stuff. Getting all excited. Now I’ll forget for a little bit and then remember that I’m not pregnant anymore and I’ll start crying all over again.
I started spotting yesterday and then it went away. I know that can be pretty normal at the beginning of a pregnancy. Then I started spotting more right before and during our FPU class. Yes, I went to to the class get my mind off what I figured was going on. Of course, the pregnant couple who started out with us brought their adorable, brand new baby boy to class. I congratulated them and all the while was thinking ” How ironic. I’m most likely losing my baby right now”. But I kept hoping and praying. Then I developed the mother of all migraines and was up all night moaning and tossing and turning from pain, vomiting and watching my spotting get heavier and stop. And then start up all over again. I swear I even got a little delirious at one point. It’s all a huge nightmarish haze now.
We got up this morning and headed to the doctor. All the way there I prayed and begged God to still let me miraculously still be pregnant. That I knew He could do that if He wanted to. They took blood work and told me that , indeed, I was not pregnant anymore. That I’d most likely had an early miscarriage. The doctor I saw today is the main doctor of the practice but I’ve never actually seen her before. I usually see the Nurse Practitioner, Angela, who I really like. The Doc I saw today must have said every cliche in the book about miscarriages. She said ” Was this your first?” I told her that no, it was my third. And she replied ” Oh! You already have two? Then why do you want more for? Isn’t two enough???”
WHAT?? What kind of question is that??
Then she told me that it was probably for the best because that was nature’s way of telling me early on that there was something probably wrong with the baby and it could have had Down Syndrome or something.
I was thinking ” You have got to be the worse person at comforting I’ve ever met!”
And so what if the baby had Down Syndrome? I would have still wanted it!
Mike has been doing his best to comfort. Obviously he’s upset too. We both know the pregnancy was still very early in and that it was better to have happened this early than later on.
It still HURTS. I still can’t believe it. I’m still angry.
I’m overwhelmed with everything right now. My upside down, hugely disorganized and messy house. How behind I am on keeping track of our spending. My piles of laundry EVERYWHERE. I don’t want to cook dinner or see anybody.
I forget what day it is and what obligations I have.
I just want to sit and hug my girls and watch t.v.
And cry. And be mad.
I’m also exhausted from not sleeping last night.
Everyone has been so wonderful with the comments and outpouring of love on Facebook and Twitter. All the comments have made me cry even more, but, in a good way. Everyone is trying, in their own way, to say the right thing. There’s no right think to say but I appreciate every single comment.
We tried to do something “normal” this evening as a family. We went to the mall for dinner at Chick-Fil-A and then to the pet store next to the mall to get more fish. While there a lady behind me commented on how the dog in line in front of me was pregnant. I wanted to laugh at the irony. Oh,and I also had to stop at Wal-Mart to buy feminine hygiene products. I’ve never hated having to need those things more than I did today.
I know God is in control. I know there is a reason for this. I’m still mad at God for allowing it. And I know there are so many other women out there that have gone through miscarriages and losses many times over. I don’t know how they do it. Once is plenty for me.
I’m frustrated because I have no control over this. First of all, I never actually thought a miscarriage would happen to me! That always seemed like something that happened to other women. I can’t control or dictate when I’ll get pregnant again. And then, who’s to say I won’t miscarry then too?
It just sucks. Plain and simple.
Now I won’t be having a baby this year. I don’t get to be a part of the group of women I know who I was supposed to continue to be pregnant with.
I just wrote a post on my TTC support blog about how I was going to close it down for now so I could focus on getting myself together, prioritized and ready for this coming baby. I won’t be closing that blog down like I thought. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to close it down in the first place. Other women hurting doesn’t stop because I got pregnant and life doesn’t stop because I’m not anymore.
Please keep me in your prayers. I know this isn’t the end of the world. I know I”m still richly blessed and I know my God is still good.
God is still good.
He gives and He takes away.
But He is still and forever will be good.
