Simply Mel

This Is Me Being Authentic

I have thought long and hard about this post. When you write a blog you have to decide what to share and what to keep to yourself.  There are some things that are definitely not appropriate to share in a public forum. As my blog is linked to Facebook whatever I write here turns into a note on Facebook which my 232 Facebook friends can read. I’m going to delete this post as a note on Facebook so anyone who wants to read it has to purposefully come here to read it. After I wrote this post about  my Life Words and being authentic I thought I would put myself out there and be very open about something I’m struggling with. Something that is very close to my heart. Writing this is humbling for me and also exposing a sensitive part of me  to my readers. (Mostly family, but still!! My mom is probably worriedly reading this right now and wondering what the heck I’m talking about) I’m doing this because I feel in not sharing this I’m not being open and authentic.

For the past 15 months, to be exact, we have been praying, trying and hoping to have another baby. Many people have joked that “isn’t it time?” and people have asked if we want more and I’m even sure that there are people who have been curious but too polite to ask when we were planning on having another one.  After all, we do want four kids. Well, now you know. I was hoping to have another baby yesterday. When we decided to stop using birth control last July we I just assumed we’d have a baby by now. But, apparently God has other plans. I know this issue is a huge one among women today. My heart goes out to the millions of women who struggle with conceiving and fertility. It breaks for women who have been told they will never conceive or for those who have been trying for years to conceive their first. Please know I am not trying to categorize myself  with those women. I would not assume to completely know their pain. After all, God has utterly blessed me with two beautiful and healthy girls. If I never have another child I will still be blessed beyond what I deserve. This fact still doesn’t take away from my desire to have more children and my disappointment each month when that doesn’t happen.

We tried to conceive for almost 2 years before I got pregnant with Katelyn. When we first set off in that endeavor we were so excited and figured it would happen within 6 months. So we told everybody. That was probably some of the hardest and longest 21 months of my life. During that time friends got pregnant had babies and got pregnant again. Of course, as any woman who’s trying to get pregnant knows, it feels as if everyone around you is getting pregnant. Except for you. So many people were praying and routing for us. We really appreciated all the love and support. I even had friends who got pregnant and felt terrible to tell me! Although I appreciated the love I certainly didn’t want anyone  to feel bad about their good news.  One thing I had a hard time with were all the questions/advice/suggestions  each month (although well meaning) like ” So…are you pregnant yet?” , “Hurry up! I want you to be pregnant with me!”  and various medical advice and suggestions. I went to the doctor and had various tests. Nothing was wrong with me.

The other thing that would make me cringe was when someone would announce they were pregnant and everyone would discreetly and not so discreetly look at me to see my reaction. Others would ask, later, if I was ok. Talk about feeling like my nerves and deepest emotions were being exposed! And of course I was always happy for the person although deeply desiring that same good news for myself. Then, (oh joy!) God blessed us with Katelyn. I will never forget the day I got the positive result on that pregnancy test. It was euphoric. The joy and excitement expressed to us by family and friends was overwhelming. I will never forget that time. Then I got pregnant with Madelyn when Katelyn was 13 months old. It was almost a surprise!! How easy that felt. I hadn’t been on birth control since I got pregnant with Katelyn. I thought that maybe taking so long to conceive with Katelyn had been just  a fluke. Although we weren’t trying to conceive, it still took us a year to get pregnant with Madelyn. But it still felt like perfect timing. They would be just under two years apart. Great!  After I had Madelyn I was a little overwhelmed with having two small children so I decided to go back on birth control pills because at the time I couldn’t fathom getting pregnant right away if that were to happen. Apparently I had nothing to fear! I found out recently that there is actually a name for this. Secondary Infertility. (There are links at the bottom of this post to more information on this subject)

So here we are. I remember in March getting very sad that once that month had passed my chance of having a baby this year was gone.  As Mother’s Day neared I thought ” What a great Mother’s Day gift that would be” and found out a few days before that I was not pregnant. Then Father’s Day rolled around and I thought the same thing.  Then my birthday (What an awesome birthday gift!) and our trip to Texas (what a great surprise for my family!) and …..nothing. Now Mike’s birthday has arrived.I just knew this was going to be it. I even had the way I was going to tell him all planned out for his birthday. And….still nothing.  Although I would love to blame my not getting pregnant on some supposed residual affect  of those birth control pills,I can’t.  I would love to blame it on my weight because being overweight can affect fertility. I could blame a lot of things but the only person I can “blame” is God. He could make this happen. But He’s choosing not to. I’ve run the gamut of emotions. I’ve been angry, sad and frustrated. I’ve stomped my feet and yelled at God. I’ve cried in disappointment to Him. I’ve questions Him month after month.  Please don’t let it take as long as it did with Katelyn! And what if takes as long or longer? What then? What will it mean?

Why does God give the Duggars 19 children and other women none? Why do 14 year old girls get pregnant and have abortions when there are couples waiting with empty arms? These questions are tough and we will never understand them. But God does. And He can take whatever we say to Him.One of the answers is that we live in a sinful world and because of that bad things happen. Bad things happen to good people. Life is unfair from our perspective. I know God is in control. He has a reason and He has a purpose. And he doesn’t owe me an explanation although I’d really like one!

I read this today from the “Purpose Drive Life”

” God wants you to develop the kind of character described in the beatitudes of Jesus, the fruit of the Spirit, Paul’s great chapter on love, and Peter’s list of characteristics of an effective and productive life. Every time you forget that character is one of God’s purposes for your life, you will become frustrated by your circumstances. You’ll wonder “Why is this happening to me? Why am I having such a difficult time?”

So, maybe God’s trying to develop my character. Maye He knows that I wouldn’t deal well with three children right now. Who knows? All I can do is wait. So I move on. I keep praying that His will be done and that I’ll be happy with however many children He wants to give me. I’m doing my best to not focus on this right now. I have so many good things going and many exciting opportunities to partake in coming up.

And I wait. And I’m ok. Really. I don’t need to talk about it a whole lot. I’ll feel free to write about it as I feel led on this blog. I’ll be sure to share the news with the WORLD when it happens. If it does. And I’ll be ok.
So… I’ve exposed my heart. It’s out there. Was this authentic enough?

And if you’re interested here are a couple links to articles about Secondary Infertility-

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/preconception/suspectingaproblem/troubletryingforanother/secondaryinfertility/

http://www.cookiemag.com/brain/momhealth/2006/11/secondshot

The Guilt Of Secondary Infertility (great article if you struggle with guilt over desiring another child)

http://www.preconception.com/articles/diagnosed-infertility-issues/secondary-infertility-1303/

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