Purposeful Parenting
Before you think that I’m writing a post on how to be a good parent let me assure you that this is NOT that post. This is a post about how imperfect my parenting is.
Are you purposeful in your parenting?
I’ve come to find out that I’m really not! As both my girls get older I’m finding that I can’t just “wing it” anymore. I can’t just send them on their way with a few answers and a snack. They were happy playing with their play-doh, coloring and watching t.v. There for a while they were too young to notice much and easily distracted with pat answers.I could tell them to “do as I say” and hope they didn’t “do as I do”.
I used to spend a good amount of time working on letters and numbers with Katelyn. She knew a lot more at almost three years old than Madelyn does at almost three. Madelyn is my laid back, easily pleased and content child. She will play with literally anything. Rocks, her fingers, bird feathers…..anything. She hardly ever asks for anything so when she does I’m happy to oblige her. She is happiest playing by herself, in her own little world. So, I think “Why disturb her to work on letters, crafts, spelling her name or numbers??” Madelyn is my “easy” child. So easy, in fact, that I can easily be unpurposeful in my parenting with her!
Katelyn constantly needs attention.
Ahhh…Katelyn. My precocious, impatient, stubborn, silly, inquisitive, strong-willed, beautiful almost-five-year-old. Let’s just say she’s my “challenging” child. I don’t know how it happened but we seem to have raised a 4 year old little demanding Diva. I’ve found myself butting heads A LOT with her and also getting very frustrated. I find myself constantly saying “no” to her and getting on to her. I want to say “yes” but her behavior here lately is pushing me to say ” no” all the time. She is really pushing the boundaries of the knowledge I thought I had on parenting. Some days she completely wears me down mentally, emotionally and physically. I’ve found those days to be a complete parenting FAIL. I’ve yelled too much. I’ve not been consistent enough. I’ve taken the easy way out. I’ve been short and irritable with her. I have been a terrible example.
I swear she is hitting puberty already. Her mood swings are unbelievable! She is CONSTANTLY wanting, asking, wishing for or demanding something she can’t have at the moment. Or ever, for that matter. “No” ,”wait” , “later” and”not now” are not acceptable answers in her mind. She pushes,begs and argues with me to my pulling-my-hair-out screaming limit. We’ve really had to put our foot down and discipline her EVERY time she asks for something more than once. Whether we say “yes” or “no”. That’s one thing that drives Mike nuts as well. She repeats herself and argues all the time. (Maybe she’ll be a lawyer???)
Here’s an example of a typical conversation that goes on 50 times a day.
Katelyn: Mom, can I have juice? (have ice cream, have cookies, can you buy me a toy on t.v, have snack right after lunch, have a sleep over, go to McDonald’s, go to Nana and Papa’s etc etc)
Me: Wait a minute. Let me finish (insert task)
Katelyn: (2 minutes later) Can I have juice? Mama CAN I HAVE JUICE??
Me: When. I’m. done. here.
Katelyn: (another 2 minutes later) Can I have juice now? Mom, can I HAVE some JUICE?
Me: I SAID when I’m done! I will let you know when I’m done.
Katelyn: But, mom! I want juice RIGHT NOW.
Me: What have I already said????????!!!
Katelyn: (pouting) When you’re done…..
Me: Exactly. Go play.
Katelyn: ( 2 minutes later) Mooom, can I have juice now? Are you done now? You’re taking too looong!
Me: I SAID WAIT!!!!! WALK AWAY!
Katelyn: But mom…!!
Me: That’s it! No juice for you. You can have some water when I’m DONE HERE but no juice. I told you that I would GET YOUR JUICE AS SOON AS I WAS DONE HERE BUT YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME and you’re not listening. You need to learn to WAIT!!! Go sit on the couch!
Katelyn: (Burst into tears) Mooom!!! That’s not fair. Waaahhhh
(Commence me feeling extremely bad and guilty)
These types of conversations go on all day long. Sometimes they are reasonable requests that just require her to wait a minute. Sometimes they are outrageous requests that she doesn’t understand why she can’t do or have. And usually when I do give her something it’s never what she actually wants. She always wants something different that what she’s getting. She’s never happy the first time around. S the is in an extremely ungrateful stage right now.
I get so frustrated and think ” Oh my word! Why can’t this child just be happy with what I gave her? Why doesn’t she just give up??”
Then it hits me. That’s how I am with God. Constantly asking for stuff. Constantly being ungrateful for what he’s given me. Some days I think that the reason God isn’t giving me another child is that I’m not doing very good with the two that I have!
The Bible says to “train up a child in the way he should go” and that children are ” a gift” from the Lord. I have to start taking this parenting thing more seriously! I can’t parent each day absentmindedly, correcting and punishing haphazardly. I have to remember that these children don’t just know the correct behavior that is expected of them. I have to model and teach it to them. I can’t get angry and frustrated with their behavior if I haven’t taught and modeled the correct ones! If I’m short, irritable and impatient they will learn to be short, irritable and impatient. If I model discontentment they will learn discontentment.
I do need to take some extra time with Madelyn to teach her some basic, pre-school concepts. I need to make sure they are learning Scripture consistently at home. That I’m teaching them Biblical principles myself. Not just depending on Sunday School to teach them what they need to know about the Lord. The Lord has gifted me with these children and I HAVE to start being a better example and truly “training” them in the values, principles and behaviors I want them to have as adults. God has entrusted Mike and me with their minds and hearts and we need to to be more purposeful about how we guide them. We only have a short period of time to lay these important foundations.
I think part of the problem is that I have been angry and discontent for a long time myself. As many of you know part of my problem is that I don’t want to be here in New England. I want to be in Texas. I don’t like New England. Plain and simple! That has been a source of discontentment with me. The other one is my desire and struggle to have another child. There are several other issues I’m working on but those are for my journal. I haven’t liked myself very much for a long while. And I’m not saying I have poor self esteem or hate my looks. What I haven’t liked is my attitude!! I haven’t liked who I’ve become as a person. I feel as if I haven’t been truly living. I’ve been stuck in the if-onlys. I’ve had unrealistic expectation from people in my life. I haven’t accepted the way things are. I want to start living. Accepting how God wants my life right now. I want to start parenting purposefully and focusing on the children I have now.
God and I are having some words but God is truly working on and in me. I’m blessed right now and in the present.
And if you’ve read this far I thank you!! Thank you for letting me share what God is doing in my life right now.
