Archive for the ‘parenting’ Category
How Our Family “Does” Christmas.
Thursday, December 8th, 2011
Now that we’ve had children we’ve really had to think about the how and what of Christmas. How do we teach the girls the real meaning of Christmas? How are are we going to keep it Christ centered? What are we going to tell them about Santa?
A couple of years ago I learned about the Elf On The Shelf. I thought it was a really cute idea. You buy this little elf and hide him around your house each night so your kids can find him in the morning. You tell the kids that the elf is “always watching” and will tell Santa if they are naughty. The kids enjoy trying to find the elf’s new location every day and are more aware of their behavior and how it might affect what they will get for Christmas. I thought this was a cute idea so we got one. My girls named him “Diego”.
See him? He’s trying to blend in with all my other ornaments, waiting to be found by Katelyn and Madelyn.
We liked the Elf On The Shelf idea until we started thinking about how wanted to “do” Christmas for our family as our kids were growing up. Did we want Santa and his Elf to be the main focus? Did we want our girls to base their behavior on “Santa watching” and being put on the naughty girl list and therefore get less presents for Christmas? After our girls started getting a little older and understanding more what Christmas was about we really wanted to make Christmas only about Jesus. And family. And thankfulness.
We were finding it hard to focus on Jesus when the girls were thinking about Santa and getting lots of Christmas presents. Katelyn started really asking about Santa so we finally told the girls the truth. They weren’t really bothered by it. Plus, they were still young enough for it not to rock their world that the jolly man didn’t really exist! We did give them the order that they may NOT TELL THEIR FRIENDS THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA. We explained that many children still believe in Santa and that they would ruin the surprise if my girls walked around telling their friends he doesn’t exist. I know that “doing Santa” is a personal decision for each family and it’s not my job (or my children’s) to take away that choice from them.
We haven’t erased Santa completely from our home. We are actually going to learn about Saint Nicholas and who he was and where Santa originated from. The character of Santa is actually derived from a man who did some wonderful and charitable things!
We still read stories about Santa and watch Christmas cartoons with him in it. Then there’s the Christmas songs on the radio. But we do all of these things knowing that the spirit of Christmas is Jesus. And we read lots of books and listen to lots of Christmas songs that talk about Jesus’ birth and real reason for the season. I will share some of the Christ centered Christmas activities we’re doing in a later blog post.
These are some thoughts we had that really helped make the Santa/no Santa decision for us:
1. Do I want my kids being good because it’s the right thing to do and GOD is watching? Or because an Elf is going to tell Santa about how good or bad my kids are being and that reflects on how many gifts they are getting. I didn’t want my girls only focused on getting lots of gifts.
2. How could I, in good conscious, let Santa play the starring role on the day we celebrate our Savior’s birth? I felt like trying to do both would only confuse our girls.
3. In trying to teach our girls responsibility with money, being happy with less and being thankful for what we do have, I want them to know it is us who buys them their gifts. Not only do we want to set a good precedent but I don’t want Santa getting credit for our hard work! And trust me, our girls get plenty of gifts. Whether they get 5 or 15 gifts we want them to be thankful for their gifts and understand that hard earned money was spent on their gifts. And that our family isn’t going into debt so they can have a ton of gifts to open.
4. We want them to understand that their behavior is not going to affect how many gifts they get. Being extra good isn’t going to get them more and more gifts and being “bad” isn’t going to make us buy them less. We’re not going to hold a grudge the whole month of December for any kind of naughty behavior and on Christmas morning give them a lump of coal. Our parenting should reflect love, mercy and grace. We deal with naughty behavior as it happens, they apologize and all is forgiven. We don’t keep a Naughty Or Nice list.
The elf still makes his appearance each Christmas season. But it’s not to keep tabs on my girls’ behavior. Each night I hide him before I go to bed and the girls can’t wait to wake up the next morning and try to find him. Then once he’s found they hide him for me. I think this will be a fun tradition to start.
I write this blog post to share with you how we celebrate Christmas and “do” Santa etc. Not to judge or tell others how they should do it. As I mentioned before, each family has to celebrate Christmas as they feel lead to. I hope I was able to coherently and concisely convey my heart on this subject!
How do you celebrate Christmas? Do your kids believe in Santa?
On Tough Parenting.
Monday, February 21st, 2011
The title of this post may be a little misleading. I’m not going to tell you how to be a tough parent because that is something I’m working on myself! I’m going to share with you how my parenting has gone here lately.
I wish every day my girls were like this:
(This picture is of the Sunday before Valentine’s Day Monday. We let the girls have their valentine’s gifts from us that morning.)
But many days or like this:
(Maddy was unwillingly showing her Barbie tattoo…..)
I was preschool teacher for many years. I worked with infants all the way to children of five years old. I saw all sorts of bad behavior from children and poor parenting.
I was a great parent before I had my own kids.
Every time I saw a child mouth off to their parent at drop off or pick up, have huge tantrums in the hallway, run away from their parents and even slap their parent I thought ” Humph! All that kid needs is a good spanking. Give me a week with him/her and I’d straighten them out!”
I thought spankings , a good yelling and time outs were the perfect way to keep kids in line.
Then I HAD kids!! And my perfect parenting went out the window. It’s completely different when it’s your kid acting up!
The dynamics, the emotions and the circumstances when it’s the child God has given you to raise totally changes the picture.
Parenting is tough. It’s hard work. More so than I ever thought. More so than any pat answers I would have given in the past.
I’ve really struggled as of late with my parenting. I’ve found that I’m suffering the consequences of not being consistent and letting my girls get away with bad behaviors and attitudes over the past few months. Because I’ve been too tired to follow through and deal with it.
I’ve found I’ve had to repeat instructions three times before they’re followed. Katelyn ( my five year old) has been very disrespectful and has gotten into the habit of talking back. She pouts, stomps around the house when she’s mad and complains and whines. Maddy, (my three year old) is my angel for the most part. But she has gotten into the habit of politely ignoring me. She’s not ugly about it but she just doesn’t do what I tell her to do. I’ll tell her to pick something up and she’ll say “okay” and thirty minutes later I’ll check and she still hasn’t done it. I’ll tell her pick it up again and thirty minutes later she STILL hasn’t done it! This may not seem like a huge deal when she’s very compliant everywhere else but allowing this to go on is setting a bad precedence for the future.
I’ve been really working hard on making sure my girls obey the first time.
And it’s hard!!! The following through and consistency is exhausting and time consuming. It’s so much easier to let it go. To just yell back at Katelyn when she mouths off.
And the worst part is that sometimes I find the way Katelyn talks to me is how I talk to her at times. I struggle with thinking that it doesn’t matter how I talk to her. I’m the MOM and she owes me respect. But respect does go both ways. I need to model respect to my girls. Yelling is easy. But it’s not following through. Sometimes I have to go upstairs (even when I don’t feel like it) and make sure the girls are doing what I told them to do. Yelling from the bottom of the stairs doesn’t work.
I’ve been floating around in a pregnancy fog trying to parent absentmindedly.
It’s imperative that I’m completely present in my parenting. If I’m not my girls are going see that it doesn’t matter if they obey or not. I won’t notice right away!
A couple of weeks ago we were having our pictures taken for our church directory. It was supposed to be a quick thing. But for some reason Katelyn had decided she DID NOT want to take pictures. She had a huge meltdown and the photographer finally suggested we reschedule. He said our pictures were going to “look like crap” and that trying to get Katelyn to smile and stop crying was not going to happen. Mike and I were furious and we tried to get her to knock it off but it was a lost battle.
I was sooo embarrassed. There were other church members waiting in line behind us. The photographer was doing his best to make her laugh. She became hysterical and I had to take her into the bathroom. I told her she was to stay in there until she was done crying. She became even more hysterical and when I tried to leave the bathroom she started screaming for me not to leave her and would hold on to the door so I couldn’t leave.
I wanted to start laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. I was completely stumped as to what to do. I felt helpless. How did I get to this point? I had sworn I would NEVER have kids who had these meltdowns in public and who didn’t obey simple instructions like “smile for the camera”.
I’ve found myself stumped frequently as of late. It’s taking a lot of prayer and patience. And realizing I’m not perfect and neither are my children.
It’s so much easier to let Katelyn play her Leapster and Wii all day instead of listening to her complain and whine when I tell her to shut off her games. It’s so much easier to just give in most of the time.
It’s so much easier to just let the girls make messes all over the house then to stay on top of them to pick up what they played with before they move on to something else. This has been a HUGE battle as of late! We have three floors that they can play on and they trash each one!! They’ll open granola bars and leave wrappers on the floor. Banana peels are left laying around. Barbie clothes and stuff are all over the living room. Polly Pockets are all over their bedroom. Play dough is left out in the basement play room and ground into the carpet.
It’s so much easier to say “yes” to everything rather than saying “no” and seeing sad faces, tears and pouting.
Some days I find myself with my face in my hands wanting to scream. Or cry.
I’m finally coming out of my fog and resolving to be consistent, firm and loving.
We’re doing good behavior and chore charts:
We’re talking about making good choices versus bad choices. I’m making sure that Katelyn understands she’s responsible for her actions.
We’re creating appropriate consequences for each act of disobedience. Taking away video games and Leapster seems to be way more affective at times than a spanking.
I’m not letting things go and waiting to deal with them later.
Train up a child in the way he should go and even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child ;The rod of discipline will remove it far from him. Proverbs 22:15 (I’ve heard this verse explained that the rod is not a rod to beat your children over the head with but more like a shepherd’s rod to gently and firmly guide your children along the right path)
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. Proverbs 29:15
Suffering The Guilt Monster
Monday, November 15th, 2010
I’m what I call a Guilty Person. I feel guilty about everything. I’m a Guilty Mom. Guilty Wife, Guilty Daughter, Guilty Christian, Guilty Friend.
I replay conversations in my head and wonder if I offended someone without meaning to. I feel guilty over certain things I say to my husband. I feel guilty over the fact that I haven’t read my Bible for a few days or failed to pray regularly that week. I feel guilty over reactions I have to things, offenses I take, things I eat (or don’t), my time management and my parenting.
I think the biggest guilt I deal with right now is Mommy Guilt. If you’re a mom, you most likely know what I’m talking about. Now, I’m not saying I don’t do anything that I shouldn’t feel guilty about. My parenting is far from perfect. But, I’m trying to start focusing on the stuff I should really be working on and truly feeling guilty about and leaving behind the little stuff that really won’t affect my kids’ growth and well being. Some days I feel like I need a sticker chart for accomplishing parenting goals that I’ve been really wanting to accomplish! It’s so easy to compare yourself with all the mommies you know. I am blessed (or maybe cursed? Haha) to know many exemplary mommies. They’re my friends. They’re in my family. It’s very easy to be reminded of my faults when it comes to my mothering.
I wrote on my Simply Mel Facebook page last week (you click “like” in the box in the top right hand corner if you want. Hint. Hint.) that the girls and I were having dinner at the dining room table for the first time in ages. I asked how many of my “fans” had dinner regularly at the table together. I got some great responses! I was impressed and a little embarrassed to see that more people than not regularly ate dinner together. That’s been something I’ve felt guilty about for a long time. I usually cook dinner every night but since dinner seems like such an informal affair with it just being me and the girls, it’s usually in front of the t.v. Or the girls eat by themselves and I eat by myself. That conversation really motivated me to make dinner at the table a priority. Even though my husband will, most likely, not be having dinner with us during the week, I want to make dinner time special for us three girls. (Four girls in the near future!)
I also yell and raise my voice too much. I know I’ve mentioned this struggle before. And I know the reasons behind it! Usually it’s because I’m repeating myself for the second or third time or I’ve mismanaged my time and I’m rushing the girls out the door for something. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself. I should require that my girls obey the first time. But cracking down, being consistent and following through is hard work. Repeating myself and then yelling the girls into action is the easy way out.
Being more organized and prepared would smooth transitions out and I wouldn’t feel the need to snap at the girls to ” Hurry up!” and “Stop fooling around!!” as often.This is most definitely something we’ve been working on. Every time I slip I feel guilty. I so admire my friends who seem to be so patient. And speak in such soothing tones to their children. I want to be like that!!
Some days, I don’t give my children the eye to eye contact and attention they deserve. They can tell I’m distracted and not completely paying attention to them. Actually, I’ve been very distracted as of late. I really want to rectify this. I require that they give me their full attention when I’m speaking to them. I owe them the same courtesy.
I feel guilty about getting annoyed at Katelyn’s endless stream of questions and they “why” about everything. ” WHY can’t I do this?” “WHY can’t I have that??” When I don’t feel like getting into a lengthy discussion or explanation, I say ” I don’t know” or ” Because that’s the way it is/I said so/ None of your business”. I’ve also never been the type to say ” Hmm…let’s look it up on the computer!”
Now that the girls are getting bigger I should start explaining our plans or why things are the way they are. I don’t want to frustrate them and get to the point where they don’t want to ask questions anymore. Do they need an explanation for everything. No.
But maybe they could do with a little more than what they’re currently getting.
I mentioned above that there are some things, however, I’m not going to beat myself up over.
I’m not going to feel guilty about how much t.v I let them watch. They do watch a lot of t.v! But, they spend a lot of time playing outside, playing with their toys, coloring, looking at books and so on and so forth. My girls don’t only watch educational shows. We don’t have a ” one hour a day of t.v” rule in my house. They’re still well adjusted, smart and creative.
I don’t give them a bath every day! Well, in the summer they get baths every day. But in the winter, they get one every other day. I don’t particularly enjoy bath time. I look forward to non bath nights. Some people might think that this is gross. But, it’s a proven fact that baths every other night are just fine for small children. Too many baths can dry out their skin.
I don’t always let the girls listen to what they want in the car. I personally like talk radio and the only time I get to listen to it is in the car. Constant questions and noise in the car drive me batty. A better Christian mommy would probably let their kids listen to Children’s worship songs and calmly encourage conversation with their kids in the car. I tell them they need to be quiet while I listen to my show. I have a hard time hearing them in the car anyway so I’ve established a Minimal Chatting In The Car rule. They are allowed to quietly talk and play with each other but leave me alone. Does that make me a mean mommy?
Maybe.
I’m not going to beat myself up over what I allow them to eat sometimes. Some days they’re meals are healthy. Some days they’re not. Most days I add fruit to their lunch but not a vegetable. They drink lots of chocolate milk and probably too much watered down juice. They usually only get vegetables with their dinner. They get lollipops and candy when we go to the grocery store to keep them quiet.
It works for us and I’m not changing it.
On days when I’ve felt like a huge parenting failure I make sure to talk to my girls and apologize for poor behavior on my part. It’s good for my girls to see that I’m not perfect. That I do need to apologize. They need to see that I need their forgiveness and God’s grace. As parents we can be a wonderful example of the free grace that God gives us every day. This doesn’t mean we should abuse this fact ( ahem).
I’m also reminded of this verse from Philippians chapter 3:
13 Brethren, I count not myself yet to have laid hold: but one thing I do, forgetting the things which are behind, and stretching forward to the things which are before,
14 I press on toward the goal unto the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
I certainly have not “laid hold” (which means to have achieved or attained) in my parenting but do need to forget yesterday and focus on making today better. Today I can “press on toward the goal and the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”. I can’t think of a higher calling than mothering my children in the best way possible and raising them to know Jesus Christ.
Do you suffer from the Guilt Monster? What do you beat yourself up over? What do you NOT beat yourself up over?
Saying “No”.
Monday, August 2nd, 2010
I’ll admit it. I have a hard time saying “no”. Whether it be to my kids, fattening foods,church ministries, friends or adding more activities to my schedule. And when I do actually decline something (other than the fattening foods!) I feel sooo guilty! Why say “no”, when it feels so good to say “yes”, right?
What I’ve found, however, is that the guilt is not making up for the stress that is being added into my life every time I say “yes” to something. I’m finding that I’d rather feel guilty than stressed and resentful.
Do you struggle with saying “no” to people, things and activities in your life?
I’m slowly learning that saying “no” is not only a good thing, but sometimes a necessary thing. I’m learning that, in this season of my life, I am even having to say “no” to good things, and even, great things. There is just not enough time or child care! While I have small children (and am growing my family) I’m going to have to wait on certain activities and even church ministries. My focus right now is my children and my home.
Church ministries are like crack to me. I love doing them. I love being part of them. Heck, I like starting them! There’s just something that draws me to that sign up sheet and makes me want to sign my name to yet another activity or Bible study. I get this rush of good feelings and excitement at the thought of being a part of a wonderful Bible study or hosting church cookouts. But after the initial rush wears off and the reality of the commitment sets in I start to get resentful at the time it takes. I start noticing that I’m not at home as much, that my housework is piling up, that I’m snapping at my kids more because I’m busy trying to get caught up on stuff that piled up while I was taking a part in another activity I signed up for. Back before I had children taking a part in all of this stuff was a lot easier. Now that I have children my focus needs to be on raising and mothering them.
For instance, here’s a list of things I’d love to be doing or starting right now:
-Hosting a weekly Bible study at my house.
-Starting a drama group at church.
-Singing monthly at the Christian coffee house close by.
-Starting a mother’s group/ play group.
These are all great things and things I really enjoy. But right now I just have to say “NO” to them! There isn’t enough time. And if I tried to keep up with all of this I’d eventually become stressed and resentful and no fun to live with! Right now my focus needs to be at home. My family needs me. My children need my love and unstressed, undivided attention during this period in their lives.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 says “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven”.
This is not to say I’ve given up on all activities and ministries. I have a pretty full plate as it is! Here’s a list of what I/ we are doing in the fall:
-Driving Katelyn half and hour to school and back every day.
-Soccer for Katelyn (thankfully only once a week!).
- Dance for both girls (also once a week).
- Mission Friends on Wednesday nights. ( We will no longer be doing Awana at the other church. I’m teaching the youngest group of children about missions in our new Wednesday night ministry for kids at our church).
-Choir (The rehearsal happens to conveniently fall after Wednesday night activities so I’m doing two things on one night of the week)
As you can see that is plenty for our family right now. Mike has a couple of new things up sleeve as well but those need to be worked out. His time is mostly taken up with work!
We have a new motto we’re trying to apply to our lives and our home right now (oh, especially our home!!): SIMPLIFY!!!! Sometimes, (not all the time) God can teach us and use us even more when we learn to say ” no” ! ( Not to Him, of course)
Another thing I’m having to learn to say “no” to is PERFECTIONISM. My schedule, my home, my children and myself are not going to look perfect or be perfect. I don’t think I’m EVER going to get my house to look exactly the way I want it to at this point in my life. I have to stop stressing about it and do the best I can. And then MOVE ON!!
How about you? Do you have a problem with saying “no”? C’mon, practice saying it with me : ” NNNOOOOOO”
Feels good, doesn’t it?
(Say “yes” )
The Case Of The Phantom Writer
Wednesday, July 14th, 2010
Apparently we had a phantom wall writer a few weeks ago. A regular “whodunit”
Looking closely I could see that an “N”,”M” and a “K” had been written on Katelyn and Madelyn’s newly painted bedroom walls.
I was not a happy mama. (The writing below had already been scrubbed a bit so it was even darker originally)
So, we have a few possible culprits.
Possible Culprit #1-
Possible Culprit #2-
Possible Culprit #3-
Solid evidence points to the fact that #3 didn’t do it.
I had a pretty good idea of who had done but I wanted to give her (cough, Katelyn) a chance to tell me the truth.
Let’s look at the evidence:
1. The letters “M” and “K” were written on the wall. Katelyn (#1) has both of those letters in her name
2. The writing was in her handwriting.
3. #2 (Madelyn) Does not know how to write letters as testified in her own words ” I didn’t do it becauth I don’t know how to write letters!!”
Katelyn swore she didn’t do it. She named other possible culprits. Since I questioned them before bed I told them that until this mystery was solved there would be no bed time stories or dessert until the person who wrote on the wall came forward with the truth. This prompted Katelyn to ask all sorts of “hypothetical” questions about what sort of punishment the perpetrator would receive. We all went to bed with no cofession that night.
The next morning we had a break in the case. Mike (otherwise known as Daddy) had a talk with both of the girls about telling the truth and Katelyn finally came clean about having written on the wall. She apologized for lying and accepted the consequences with a good attitude.
Case closed!
Purposeful Parenting
Monday, June 28th, 2010
Before you think that I’m writing a post on how to be a good parent let me assure you that this is NOT that post. This is a post about how imperfect my parenting is.
Are you purposeful in your parenting?
I’ve come to find out that I’m really not! As both my girls get older I’m finding that I can’t just “wing it” anymore. I can’t just send them on their way with a few answers and a snack. They were happy playing with their play-doh, coloring and watching t.v. There for a while they were too young to notice much and easily distracted with pat answers.I could tell them to “do as I say” and hope they didn’t “do as I do”.
I used to spend a good amount of time working on letters and numbers with Katelyn. She knew a lot more at almost three years old than Madelyn does at almost three. Madelyn is my laid back, easily pleased and content child. She will play with literally anything. Rocks, her fingers, bird feathers…..anything. She hardly ever asks for anything so when she does I’m happy to oblige her. She is happiest playing by herself, in her own little world. So, I think “Why disturb her to work on letters, crafts, spelling her name or numbers??” Madelyn is my “easy” child. So easy, in fact, that I can easily be unpurposeful in my parenting with her!
Katelyn constantly needs attention.
Ahhh…Katelyn. My precocious, impatient, stubborn, silly, inquisitive, strong-willed, beautiful almost-five-year-old. Let’s just say she’s my “challenging” child. I don’t know how it happened but we seem to have raised a 4 year old little demanding Diva. I’ve found myself butting heads A LOT with her and also getting very frustrated. I find myself constantly saying “no” to her and getting on to her. I want to say “yes” but her behavior here lately is pushing me to say ” no” all the time. She is really pushing the boundaries of the knowledge I thought I had on parenting. Some days she completely wears me down mentally, emotionally and physically. I’ve found those days to be a complete parenting FAIL. I’ve yelled too much. I’ve not been consistent enough. I’ve taken the easy way out. I’ve been short and irritable with her. I have been a terrible example.
I swear she is hitting puberty already. Her mood swings are unbelievable! She is CONSTANTLY wanting, asking, wishing for or demanding something she can’t have at the moment. Or ever, for that matter. “No” ,”wait” , “later” and”not now” are not acceptable answers in her mind. She pushes,begs and argues with me to my pulling-my-hair-out screaming limit. We’ve really had to put our foot down and discipline her EVERY time she asks for something more than once. Whether we say “yes” or “no”. That’s one thing that drives Mike nuts as well. She repeats herself and argues all the time. (Maybe she’ll be a lawyer???)
Here’s an example of a typical conversation that goes on 50 times a day.
Katelyn: Mom, can I have juice? (have ice cream, have cookies, can you buy me a toy on t.v, have snack right after lunch, have a sleep over, go to McDonald’s, go to Nana and Papa’s etc etc)
Me: Wait a minute. Let me finish (insert task)
Katelyn: (2 minutes later) Can I have juice? Mama CAN I HAVE JUICE??
Me: When. I’m. done. here.
Katelyn: (another 2 minutes later) Can I have juice now? Mom, can I HAVE some JUICE?
Me: I SAID when I’m done! I will let you know when I’m done.
Katelyn: But, mom! I want juice RIGHT NOW.
Me: What have I already said????????!!!
Katelyn: (pouting) When you’re done…..
Me: Exactly. Go play.
Katelyn: ( 2 minutes later) Mooom, can I have juice now? Are you done now? You’re taking too looong!
Me: I SAID WAIT!!!!! WALK AWAY!
Katelyn: But mom…!!
Me: That’s it! No juice for you. You can have some water when I’m DONE HERE but no juice. I told you that I would GET YOUR JUICE AS SOON AS I WAS DONE HERE BUT YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME and you’re not listening. You need to learn to WAIT!!! Go sit on the couch!
Katelyn: (Burst into tears) Mooom!!! That’s not fair. Waaahhhh
(Commence me feeling extremely bad and guilty)
These types of conversations go on all day long. Sometimes they are reasonable requests that just require her to wait a minute. Sometimes they are outrageous requests that she doesn’t understand why she can’t do or have. And usually when I do give her something it’s never what she actually wants. She always wants something different that what she’s getting. She’s never happy the first time around. S the is in an extremely ungrateful stage right now.
I get so frustrated and think ” Oh my word! Why can’t this child just be happy with what I gave her? Why doesn’t she just give up??”
Then it hits me. That’s how I am with God. Constantly asking for stuff. Constantly being ungrateful for what he’s given me. Some days I think that the reason God isn’t giving me another child is that I’m not doing very good with the two that I have!
The Bible says to “train up a child in the way he should go” and that children are ” a gift” from the Lord. I have to start taking this parenting thing more seriously! I can’t parent each day absentmindedly, correcting and punishing haphazardly. I have to remember that these children don’t just know the correct behavior that is expected of them. I have to model and teach it to them. I can’t get angry and frustrated with their behavior if I haven’t taught and modeled the correct ones! If I’m short, irritable and impatient they will learn to be short, irritable and impatient. If I model discontentment they will learn discontentment.
I do need to take some extra time with Madelyn to teach her some basic, pre-school concepts. I need to make sure they are learning Scripture consistently at home. That I’m teaching them Biblical principles myself. Not just depending on Sunday School to teach them what they need to know about the Lord. The Lord has gifted me with these children and I HAVE to start being a better example and truly “training” them in the values, principles and behaviors I want them to have as adults. God has entrusted Mike and me with their minds and hearts and we need to to be more purposeful about how we guide them. We only have a short period of time to lay these important foundations.
I think part of the problem is that I have been angry and discontent for a long time myself. As many of you know part of my problem is that I don’t want to be here in New England. I want to be in Texas. I don’t like New England. Plain and simple! That has been a source of discontentment with me. The other one is my desire and struggle to have another child. There are several other issues I’m working on but those are for my journal. I haven’t liked myself very much for a long while. And I’m not saying I have poor self esteem or hate my looks. What I haven’t liked is my attitude!! I haven’t liked who I’ve become as a person. I feel as if I haven’t been truly living. I’ve been stuck in the if-onlys. I’ve had unrealistic expectation from people in my life. I haven’t accepted the way things are. I want to start living. Accepting how God wants my life right now. I want to start parenting purposefully and focusing on the children I have now.
God and I are having some words but God is truly working on and in me. I’m blessed right now and in the present.
And if you’ve read this far I thank you!! Thank you for letting me share what God is doing in my life right now.
Letting Go
Monday, August 31st, 2009
So I need to vent a bit and put forth a dilemma and see what any of you have to say about it. It’s really been frustrating and I’m really at a loss how to handle it and even if I should handle it at all. For the sake of “anonymity” I’m going to call the people involved in this story a “group” so nobody is set apart in my story.
There is a group of children that Katelyn absolutely seem to worship and loves to play with. This group of children ranges from 6- 10 years of age. Which, obviously, is several years older than Katelyn. For the most part, this group of kids are pretty well behaved and polite. Except that, they are generally mean to Katelyn. They will let her play with them for a little bit and then they will suddenly decide they don’t want her around. They are constantly including and then excluding her from whatever they are doing, bossing her around, not allowing her to do certain things and manipulating her. One of them goes as far as getting up and moving away every time Katelyn tries to sit next to them. When Katelyn doesn’t get the hint the first time and moves to sit next to this child again, they will get up and move somewhere else again. For no reason at all. Other than to be spiteful. Reducing Katelyn to either screaming at them or crying. It drives me absolutely insane. I would rather she not play with them at all for my sanity’s sake but she loves.them. I would rather she just play with other kids her own age just to stop the crying and fighting. Whenever she is pretend playing she pretends that group is with her. Whenever she plans her parties she wants that group invited.
Now, before you think I am overreacting or defending my bratty child or something, I’ll say this. I know Katelyn is no angel. I know(and remember!) that when you’re an older child, playing with a younger one is something you don’t always want to do. You want the little brat to go away and play with kids his/her own age. I get that. I also get that kids are kids and aren’t perfect either. I also understand that if a child doesn’t want to sit next to another one they don’t have to. Especially if the child is obnoxious and annoying. Katelyn is not like that! She just likes to sit next to this child because she loves them! The more she seems to get upset and frustrated by them not wanting to sit by her the more they continue to do it! And what gets me even more is that this child’s parent sees this and does nothing!!
So…here’s my dilemma- What do I do? I can’t “come to her rescue” every time they exclude her. I’m not their mother and they aren’t required to play with her. Time and time again, Mike and I have told her when they start being mean to just go play somewhere else! But in the heat of the moment that is the last thing she wants to do. She wants them to let her do what they are doing. Sometimes the exclusion or the manipulation is over the petties, tiniest things.
Here are some examples:
Katelyn usually comes crying to us and says ” Mooom, they’re playing pirates and I want to be a princess pirate but they said I can’t because they don’t need another princess pirate. They said I have to be a dog instead. Waaahhh”.
This is just an example but it’s the kind of thing that happens all the time. So, off I go to check it out.
Me: What’s going on guys?
Them: We’re playing pirates and Katelyn wants to be a princess pirate but we don’t need anymore princess pirates. We want her to be the dog.
Me: She doesn’t want to be a dog,ok? I think there’s plenty of room for one more princess pirate. Let’s play nicely and let everyone be what they want.
Them: But…..
Me: She. Can. Be.A.Princess.Pirate.If.She.Wants.
Parent of one of the children: Is everything ok in here?
And one of the children tells that parent the whole story and they reiterate that Katelyn is young and doesn’t understand they need to let her be a princess pirate. So, the group of children scowls and pouts and decide they want to play something else.
Half the time I don’t even know what to say because their play is so involved that I don’t even know if Katelyn knows what she’s talking about! All I know is they are excluding her somehow or just trying to be mean. And these are truly good, well raised children! Except for this one issue..
OR
Katelyn(crying): Mooom!! They’re playing magic carpet on the blanket but they won’t let me sit on the magic carpet too.
OR
Katelyn: They’re playing cave in that room but they pushed me out and shut the door and won’t let me back in. Waaaahh!
And off Mike or I go to try to settle the problem. It’s getting tiring. And infuriating.
My question is: What do I do? Do I let Katelyn get crushed every time, let it go and just tell her to play elsewhere? (And sometimes there isn’t anyone else to play with! Madelyn would be the only one and we all know happy Madelyn is by herself. Katelyn on the other hand, hates playing by herself). Do I step in every time and make the kids let her play only to have them pout and decide they want to play something else somewhere else? And you all know how I feel about correcting other people’s children. Katelyn actually asked me last week why they don’t like to play with her. I didn’t know what to answer!
” I’m sorry, honey. They’re just mean and spiteful children. You shouldn’t want to play with them anyway”. That’s what I wanted to say. But I didn’t. I just said ” I don’t know. You are a lot younger than them and sometimes they just want to play with kids they’re own age.Sometimes kids just don’t want to play with other kids”.
So, since my blood pressure has gone up just writing this I wanted to show you guys what our new rearrangement looks like. We are very happy with it and I think it uses our living room/dining room/ sun room space more efficiently.
You can see in the back ground the sun room before which was used as an office/play room. Sorry, this was the only shot I had of it that you could see most if it in.
Here’s the after. Our new dining room!
That shelf is getting neatened up and cleaned off a bit. Our dining room table is not longer in a high traffic area so it doesn’t get a ton of stuff dumped on it. It had gotten so bad that I got discouraged from trying to actually eat at our table. So we ate on the couch a lot!
Our old dining room has been turned into a playroom. If you’ve been reading my blog for anything length of time you know what it looked like.
The before(Christmas 08 in case you were wondering)
The after
This room is getting organized a bit more, but, yes, this is probably going to be what it looks like most of the time! And you know what? I don’t care! It’s their playroom. As long as all of that isn’t in the living room anymore I couldn’t care less what that room looks like! The girls are also thrilled with having their own t.v. No more fights over the t.v! (Between Mike and the girls. Not me, of course.)
And lastly, the new train table Madelyn got from daddy as a birthday gift. This was taken the morning after Mike set it all up. He wanted to surprise them with it when they woke up. It no longer looks like this anymore.
Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? All are welcome. On any of the above.
