Archive for the ‘Miscarriage’ Category
23 Months
Monday, June 21st, 2010
I serve an awesome God. I serve a great God. I serve a God who can turn things around in a blink of an eye if He so wills it. So before you think that this is going to be a “depressing” post about how long I’ve been trying to conceive I assure that it’s not. It’s a post about how God is working in me. (And maybe a few of my own ramblings thrown in)
(Oh, and I’m writing this at 7:15 in the morning on my deck on this beautiful, sunny, warm morning. The birds are chirping. It’s just right!)
Where was I? Oh yes! 23 months. We’ve been trying to get pregnant now for 23 months. Why is that number important? Because it took me 22 months to get pregnant with Katelyn. So, it’s now officially taking us longer than it did to conceive Katelyn. And that kind of scares me. As silly as it sounds, the 22 months that it took us to get pregnant with Katelyn was kind of a “marker” for me, so to speak. I had told the Lord that it couldn’t possibly take us longer than 22 months. I had been pretty confident that it wouldn’t take that long. Now that it’s passed that it’s like it’s opened up a whole new time frame for me. So, will it actually hit TWO years of trying now? Will it go past that? That’s whole new territory for me.
And the other thing is, did my my miscarriage make our trying to conceive start back to zero? These are things I think about!!! And speaking of my miscarriage….
Since it all happened so quickly I’ll admit to wondering…….. if I was ever really pregnant. Yes, those doubts have been crossing my mind which is making it hard to have closure. It’s making it hard to actually say “miscarriage” anymore with total confidence and peace. It’s making it hard for me to put myself in the category of Women Who’ve Had {real} Miscarriages. I keep thinking “What if those two tests were wrong?”, “What if I was just 6 days late?”. Granted I’ve never been that late but, things happen, right? It’s all so surreal now.
My doctor certainly shrugged it off as an “early miscarriage”. I didn’t get any of the advice that other women have gotten after a miscarriage. And maybe it’s because I went to my Primary Care physician instead of an OB. I wasn’t in the care of an OB yet so I didn’t have that option.
So, there you go…. my dilemma. I now feel like I can’t say with total peace and certainty that what I had was a real miscarriage. I now feel uncomfortable talking about it or even getting “consoled” by loving and caring people because I keep thinking ” What if….”. What if I got all those lovely cards, prayers, hugs, words of encouragement and sympathetic hugs…. for a fluke?? What if I’m a fake? However, I’m still dealing emotionally with loss! With a loss that, in my mind, may have been a false positive!
So, I may never know for sure until I get to Heaven if it was “real” or not. I may have to choose to believe it was real and go with the “evidence” that was given to me. The joy we felt for those 6 days is worth it. And maybe the Enemy is trying to make me have doubts. One thing I do know- God’s love is real. My relationship with Him is real. His work in me is real. The family and blessings He’s given me is real.
I’ve been praying so much for God to work in me here lately. To change me. I need changing so badly! To be a better mom and wife. Just to be a better person in general. It’s so easy to write stuff on a blog and make yourself sound wonderful.
Two principles that really struck a chord with me from our recent study of Beth Moore’s “Esther: It’s Tough Being A Woman” are these:
*God can turn the tables of our life anytime.
Beth gave the participants an exercise that I really enjoyed. She took 9 scenarios that make being a woman “tough” and created a worksheet with them. Them under them she had us write a verse in the Bible that directly corrolates to that but shows how God can completely change that issue. We were then to write on our own time the “tough” scenario on one side of a notecard and the verse that shows that God change that scenario on the other side. So whenever we’re going through one of those trials or insecurities all we have to do is look on the other side of the note card to see how God can change that issue for us. He completely turned the tables { for the better!} for Esther and the Jews when things looked their bleakest for them. He turned the tables on evil Haman too. Haman went from smug and sure things were going his way and then he ended up hanging from the gallows he intended for Mordecai! { I encourage you to read the whole story of Esther in the Bible if you never have. Just read the book of Esther!) Things were going one horrible, certain direction for the Jews yet God completely changed their course. He can do that for us too. He can turn our mourning into feasting.
* If_____________ then GOD.
Have you ever thought or said ” I don’t know what I’d do if __________ happened” ? Well, Beth presented to us that no matter what happens to us there will always be God. And He will lift us from the pit. So the point of the phrase is “If (blank because it doesn’t matter WHAT you put here) then GOD” God is the end all be all. He will sustain us. NO MATTER WHAT.
And on a much smaller scale, God still wants to work on little ol’ me. My issues don’t have to be my issues anymore. Things I think I can’t let go of I CAN let go of. Things don’t have to stay the same. I don’t have to stay the same. God can change me. I just have to be willing to let go.
I’ve written some things/issues/ requests on paper that I’m handing over to God or that I want to be rid of completely. I’m going to pray over each one and then I’m going to rip each paper and throw it away. It may sound silly but it’s symbolic for me. That I’m getting rid of extra “baggage”. That I can change and I don’t have to be the way I am about certain things.
FREEDOM!
And now…. my time is up for blogging. My girls are out here on the deck with me and we need to officially start our day. Mike has the day off today so we can get some stuff done.
If you took the time to read this whole post…..thank you!! Have a blessed day.
6 Days
Monday, May 3rd, 2010
I knew I was pregnant for six days. I know that’s not very long. But it was a six day celebration of new life. I know a lot of people would not have told everyone they were pregnant that early. I’m sure a lot of people are thinking that I probably wish I hadn’t told everyone since I ended up losing the baby anyway. Deciding when to tell your friends and family you’re expecting is a very personal decision for each couple. Mike and I have always told people right away. I mean, not long after the test comes out positive!! Since I believe life begins at conception I believe that tiny little being had a soul. It was a little life. A little person that is now in Heaven. I have many friends who have lost babies and we all agree they are playing together in Heaven now. What a comforting thought. I had affectionately began to think of the baby as “Poppy” since it was the size of a poppy seed at the time.
Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
God celebrates life at conception. He ordained Poppy’s life from the beginning to the very end.
Was it hard and awkward having to tell people I just told that I was pregnant that I wasn’t pregnant anymore?
Heck yes!! I’ve had several awkward moments over the last few days. Several offers of congratulations to which I’ve had to reply that I lost the baby. One of the mom’s from Katelyn’s dance class asked me how I was feeling this past Saturday regarding the pregnancy. I had to tell her the news. She didn’t know what to say and it was very awkward.
Aaaaawkward! And more so for the other person, than for me!
But would I do things differently if I had the chance?
No.
When I get pregnant again (and I have hope that I will!) I will most likely tell everyone pretty quickly again. I’m glad we celebrated Poppy’s short life. I think he/she deserved it. Me telling people acknowledged that that little life was important. To us and to God. It deserved celebrating.
I’m still kind of in shock. I had barely gotten used to the fact that I was pregnant before I began the descent into being unable to believe that I wasn’t anymore. It all feels like a distant dream now. Except that I have the physical reminder that it wasn’t a dream.
It was hard to have to take those pregnancy tickers down off my sidebar. I had so much fun putting them up. I’m still getting pregnancy updates and tips from Baby Center. I definitely need to unsubscribe from those.
Since the girls are now back into their old room our third room is empty. We put the crib up in there. It was Mike’s idea. I told him I didn’t want it set up yet. I had been excited about setting it up before. But now I don’t see the point of having it set up in there until I know I”m pregnant again. Mike thinks it’s a good reminder that we will be using that crib again in the future. So we might as well have it ready. That made me smile.
A few days ago Katelyn said to me ” Mama, I’m sorry our baby died.” That broke my heart but also was one of the sweetest things I’d hear all day.
I have to tell you all THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. The comments, messages, e-mails, phone calls and cards have been amazing. We’ve been blown away by the love, support and prayers.
In fact, I’ve started feeling guilty about it! You guys have truly been “weeping with those who weep”. I don’t feel as if I deserve all of this support. I mean, my baby was only the size of a poppy seed. I know so many people who have lost babies who were the size of full term babies and even bigger. You guys have truly given validity to my baby’s life and Mike and I truly appreciate that. Some of your sweet and caring comments have even made me cry. In a good way!
Mike has been wonderful during all this. Obviously he was hurt by this as well but he’s let me do all the crying, moaning and sleeping. He wrote me the sweetest e-mail from work on Thursday. That’s a big deal because usually while he’s at work, I never hear from him! Unless it’s something he really needs me to do. It’s a running joke with us. But he wrote me an awesome and encouraging e-mail.
Right now I’m doing better day by day. I want to get back to normal. The past two weeks I’ve eaten horribly and haven’t exercised a bit. I know that’s contributing to my lethargy as well. I want to get back into God’s word. I don’t want to be angry anymore and I certainly don’t want to get cynical and bitter.
Phillipians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
I want to devote my thoughts to the Lord and focus on His goodness so I don’t focus on things I have no control over. And I will continue hoping and praying that the Lord will give us another child.
A little quick blog business:
My brother has kindly converted my blog to Disqus which is sort of like a “universal” commenting system. You can sign up with Disqus to have your own profile and then every time you leave a comment you can just sign in with your Disqus info. By doing this you’ll you have your own profile picture and you can see a history of your comment and any comments in reply to yours. If you don’t want to sign up with Disqus you can just leave your name and e-mail in the section provided for that and still leave a comment. It will certainly make replying to your comments a whole lot easier. You will get my reply right to your e-mail inbox. I won’t have to reply in the comment section and hope you saw ir OR reply via e-mail individually to everybody.
Thank you again for your continued support and love. And for all the comments!
Yesterday I was. Today I’m Not.
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010
Yesterday I was PREGNANT! I was going to have my 2010 baby. My Christmas baby. I was finally starting to wrap my head around the fact that I was finally pregnant. Then today all of that was shattered. I miscarried. And that really sucks. I was making plans, looking at baby stuff. Getting all excited. Now I’ll forget for a little bit and then remember that I’m not pregnant anymore and I’ll start crying all over again.
I started spotting yesterday and then it went away. I know that can be pretty normal at the beginning of a pregnancy. Then I started spotting more right before and during our FPU class. Yes, I went to to the class get my mind off what I figured was going on. Of course, the pregnant couple who started out with us brought their adorable, brand new baby boy to class. I congratulated them and all the while was thinking ” How ironic. I’m most likely losing my baby right now”. But I kept hoping and praying. Then I developed the mother of all migraines and was up all night moaning and tossing and turning from pain, vomiting and watching my spotting get heavier and stop. And then start up all over again. I swear I even got a little delirious at one point. It’s all a huge nightmarish haze now.
We got up this morning and headed to the doctor. All the way there I prayed and begged God to still let me miraculously still be pregnant. That I knew He could do that if He wanted to. They took blood work and told me that , indeed, I was not pregnant anymore. That I’d most likely had an early miscarriage. The doctor I saw today is the main doctor of the practice but I’ve never actually seen her before. I usually see the Nurse Practitioner, Angela, who I really like. The Doc I saw today must have said every cliche in the book about miscarriages. She said ” Was this your first?” I told her that no, it was my third. And she replied ” Oh! You already have two? Then why do you want more for? Isn’t two enough???”
WHAT?? What kind of question is that??
Then she told me that it was probably for the best because that was nature’s way of telling me early on that there was something probably wrong with the baby and it could have had Down Syndrome or something.
I was thinking ” You have got to be the worse person at comforting I’ve ever met!”
And so what if the baby had Down Syndrome? I would have still wanted it!
Mike has been doing his best to comfort. Obviously he’s upset too. We both know the pregnancy was still very early in and that it was better to have happened this early than later on.
It still HURTS. I still can’t believe it. I’m still angry.
I’m overwhelmed with everything right now. My upside down, hugely disorganized and messy house. How behind I am on keeping track of our spending. My piles of laundry EVERYWHERE. I don’t want to cook dinner or see anybody.
I forget what day it is and what obligations I have.
I just want to sit and hug my girls and watch t.v.
And cry. And be mad.
I’m also exhausted from not sleeping last night.
Everyone has been so wonderful with the comments and outpouring of love on Facebook and Twitter. All the comments have made me cry even more, but, in a good way. Everyone is trying, in their own way, to say the right thing. There’s no right think to say but I appreciate every single comment.
We tried to do something “normal” this evening as a family. We went to the mall for dinner at Chick-Fil-A and then to the pet store next to the mall to get more fish. While there a lady behind me commented on how the dog in line in front of me was pregnant. I wanted to laugh at the irony. Oh,and I also had to stop at Wal-Mart to buy feminine hygiene products. I’ve never hated having to need those things more than I did today.
I know God is in control. I know there is a reason for this. I’m still mad at God for allowing it. And I know there are so many other women out there that have gone through miscarriages and losses many times over. I don’t know how they do it. Once is plenty for me.
I’m frustrated because I have no control over this. First of all, I never actually thought a miscarriage would happen to me! That always seemed like something that happened to other women. I can’t control or dictate when I’ll get pregnant again. And then, who’s to say I won’t miscarry then too?
It just sucks. Plain and simple.
Now I won’t be having a baby this year. I don’t get to be a part of the group of women I know who I was supposed to continue to be pregnant with.
I just wrote a post on my TTC support blog about how I was going to close it down for now so I could focus on getting myself together, prioritized and ready for this coming baby. I won’t be closing that blog down like I thought. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to close it down in the first place. Other women hurting doesn’t stop because I got pregnant and life doesn’t stop because I’m not anymore.
Please keep me in your prayers. I know this isn’t the end of the world. I know I”m still richly blessed and I know my God is still good.
God is still good.
He gives and He takes away.
But He is still and forever will be good.
