Well, hello there! Happy new year!!! Thanks for sticking around and reading. I’m up early and blogging!! I won’t even go into a long apology about my lack of blogging lately. You guys have heard it all. Jocelyn has been sleeping through the night for two weeks now so hopefully we’ll see some good changes in my blog coming up. Actually, you will see some exciting changes in my blog coming up. More about that coming soon!

I hope you had a great Christmas and new year. We did!

We were abundantly blessed last year with a great Christmas budget. We were able to have a great Christmas with no debt and received some pretty sweet gifts from our our families as well.

We had a fun, family friendly New Year’s Eve party. Lots of fun, good people and lots of good food.

I’m 19 weeks pregnant! Yes, really!!! I find out January 20th if this fourth kid is going to be our first little prince or fourth  little princess. I’ll have a pregnancy update once I can announce what we’re having.

So…2012. What will God have in store for us this year?? For starters a new baby! We also have an election this year. Hmm….wonder what that will bring?? I’m praying for God’s will to be done in all areas of our life. We should especially be praying for our country and for God’s hand to be on our election process. He cares about who’s running our government!I always get so emotionally involved in elections. So, you may not see me on Facebook much in the beginning of November until it’s over!!! And then, I may still need a couple of days after that. Ha!

I don’t really have any resolutions this year. I have some basic words that I want to look back on and hope described this year.

Simple. Organized. Joyful. Connected.

The third word was originally “fun” but I realized not all of 2012 is probably going to be “fun”. But, it can be joyful with the joy you can only find in the Lord. The first two words are pretty self explanatory. I think most people want their year to be simple and organized.

My fourth word is “connected”. This year I want to be more connected. Connected to God’s word, to prayer, to my family, to joy, to the present and to people.

I don’t want to go into a long explanation ( maybe in a new blog post. Maybe not) but I’ve struggled for some time to connect and have deep relationships with other women. It’s something I’ve prayed about for a long time. I crave a deep, close relationship with another woman or  two. That “BFF ” relationship. I’m purposely praying for a real, deep connection with another woman friend this year.

I do have some Bible verses to share that I want to focus on this year. I can never find just one! These are the ones that embody what I’m praying for and that I’m going to be referring to a lot this year.

Let the saints ( Believers!!) be joyful in glory; Let them sing aloud on their beds. Let the highest praises of God be in their mouth, and a two-edged sword ( God’s Word!) in their hand. Psalm 149: 5-6 { Words in parentheses mine} (NKJV)

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith. Galatians 6:9-10 (NKJV)

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (New Living Translation)

Did you make resolutions this year?

Welcome 2012!! Let the joy begin!

Photo credit: Venomdz

If it wasn’t for the wonderful men and women who have served and are serving for this country I wouldn’t be where I am today!

THANK YOU to all of our servicemen and women!

I’m proud to have two family members who have served in the military.

I’m also reminded, today, of Jesus who made the biggest  sacrifice of all on Calvary for us.  He died so that we could LIVE!!! Just like our military men and women do for us every day.

We take our American freedom for granted way too much. As American’s we’ve become complacent about our Liberty. Let’s make an effort to show a little American pride and thankfulness today (and the rest of the year, for that matter!)

And if you don’t know the freedom you can have in Jesus and that you can have eternal life with him …get to know HIM!! He’s the biggest “freedom bringer” of all.

The Bible says:

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

....Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.” For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. (Romans 9:10-13)

Happy Memorial Day!!

For the Bible tells me so. Little ones..

to HIM belong, they are week but He is

STRONG!

Yes…Jesus loves me

Yes, Jesus loves me

Yes, Jesus loves me!

The Bible tells me so!

Every time I’ve experienced the miracle of each of my daughters’ birth, and then looked into  their sweet faces for the first time I’m blown away. And then, I’m blown away again by the fact that people see and experience this every day and still don’t believe there is a loving God and Creator out there who designed and created this miracle of life.

A Creator and Heavenly Father who wants a special, loving, close  relationship with each.one.of. us. Who wants to give us abundantly more than we ever ask or imagine.  Who sent his only Son to die for us so that we can live eternally with Him in Heaven  if only we accept this wonderful gift. We have a God who did all of this for us and yet the human race still denies even His existence. And many times, those of us who do believe He exists still don’t pursue a relationship with Him.

Sad.

We are weak but He is strong.

I am weak but He is strong!

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb . I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139: 13,14

For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

]]> http://www.simplymelsblog.com/they-are-weak-but-he-is-strong/feed/ 2 http://www.simplymelsblog.com/mothers-day-recap/ http://www.simplymelsblog.com/mothers-day-recap/#comments Mon, 10 May 2010 13:27:34 +0000 SimplyMel http://www.simplymelsblog.com/?p=1830 I had a great Mother’s Day. God has blessed me with a wonderful family and amazing daughters. We made reservations at a local restaurant and had lunch there with my in-laws. After that we went to my in-laws’ for coffee and dessert. Services were great at church and we had a great message about…. wait for it……mothers!!! Mike gave me his newly won iPod Touch as my gift and bought me an armband and clip to be able to wear it since I love to listen to audio books. ( I’m a geek)

Here are some pictures from yesterday-

The food was delicious at this restaurant. I got the fried clam strips dinner.

My Mother’s Day picture with the girls. I thought this came out really good!

We had a little tea part with chocolate milk standing in for the tea.

Since there weren’t enough Princess tea cups we had to improvise….

It takes a man who’s secure in his manhood to drink out of a pink, Princess tea cup!

I really feel as if I’m ready to “get back in the game” this week. The past 2.5 weeks I’ve slept in, let some things go around the house, not exercised, over eaten to the point of making myself sick and not  read my Bible or prayed as much as I should have. I’m still grieving but I can do that without doing (or NOT doing, as it were) all of the things listed above.

For my spiritual, physical and mental well being I have to get back in the game.

Phillipians 3:12-14

¹² Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. ¹³ Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, ¹⁴ I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

God is good all the time!!

I got some really good shots this week of the girls playing with their umbrella outside. It was an overcast day and about to rain. While I was watching them play it hit me how God is our umbrella in life.

He shields us from the rains, big and small, of life.

We usually are happy to have God as our umbrella when life is sunny and there’s no rain.

Then life starts to get a little dirty..

And the rain starts to fall and the mud starts to fly

And God sometimes allows us to get a little wet and muddy.

Then we start to complain, worry and cry. Sometimes we lose faith and completely try to get away from His umbrella and do all our own protecting. But God wants the rain to draw us closer to Him. He wants us to gather even tighter under His holy, righteous hand.

No matter how strong the rain and how far away we stray from that perfect umbrella of His hand

He always welcomes us back.

Even if we’re still a little muddy!!

Psalm 84:11

¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

Psalm 37:23-24

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand.

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

God celebrates life at conception. He ordained Poppy’s life from the beginning to the very end.

Was it hard and awkward having to tell people I just told that I was pregnant that I wasn’t pregnant anymore?

Heck yes!!  I’ve had several awkward moments over the last few days. Several offers of congratulations to which I’ve had to reply that I lost the baby. One of the mom’s from Katelyn’s dance class asked me how I was feeling this past Saturday regarding the pregnancy. I had to tell her the news. She didn’t know what to say and it was very awkward.

Aaaaawkward! And more so for the other person, than for me!

But would I do things differently if I had the chance?

No.

When I get pregnant again (and I have hope that I will!) I will most likely tell everyone pretty quickly again. I’m glad we celebrated Poppy’s short life. I think he/she deserved it. Me telling people acknowledged that that little life was important. To us and to God. It deserved celebrating.

I’m still kind of in shock. I had barely gotten used to the fact that I was pregnant before I began the descent into being unable to believe that I wasn’t anymore. It all feels like a distant dream now. Except that I have the physical reminder that it wasn’t a dream.

It was hard to have to take those pregnancy tickers down off my sidebar. I had so much fun putting them up. I’m still getting pregnancy updates and tips from Baby Center. I definitely need to unsubscribe from those.

Since the girls are now back into their old room our third room is empty. We put the crib up in there. It was Mike’s idea. I told him I didn’t want it set up yet. I had been excited about setting it up before. But now I don’t see the point of having it set up in there until I know I”m pregnant again. Mike thinks it’s a good reminder that we will be using that crib again in the future. So we might as well have it ready.  That made me smile.

A few days ago Katelyn said to me ” Mama, I’m sorry our baby died.”  That broke my heart but also was one of the sweetest things I’d hear all day.

I have to tell you all THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. The comments, messages, e-mails, phone calls and cards have been amazing. We’ve been blown away by the love, support and prayers.

In fact, I’ve started feeling guilty about it!  You guys have truly been “weeping with those who weep”.  I don’t feel as if I deserve all of this support. I mean, my baby was only  the size of a poppy seed. I know so many people who have lost babies who were the size of full term babies and even bigger. You guys have truly given validity to my baby’s life and Mike and I truly appreciate that. Some of your sweet and caring comments have even made me cry. In a good way!

Mike has been wonderful during all this. Obviously he was hurt by this as well but he’s let me do all the crying, moaning and sleeping.  He wrote me the sweetest e-mail from work on Thursday. That’s a big deal because usually while he’s at work, I never hear from him! Unless it’s something he really needs me to do. It’s a running joke with us. But he wrote me an awesome and encouraging e-mail.

Right now I’m doing better day by day. I want to get back to normal. The past two weeks I’ve eaten horribly and haven’t exercised a bit. I know that’s contributing to my lethargy as well.  I want to get back into God’s word. I don’t want to be angry anymore and I certainly don’t want to get cynical and bitter.

Phillipians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I want to devote my thoughts to the Lord and focus on His goodness so I don’t focus on things I have no control over.  And I will continue hoping and praying that the Lord will give us another child.

A little quick blog business:

My brother has kindly converted my blog to Disqus which is sort of like a “universal” commenting system. You can sign up with Disqus to have your own profile and then every time you leave a comment you can just sign in with your Disqus info. By doing this you’ll you have your own profile picture and you can see a history of your comment and any comments in reply to yours. If you don’t want to sign up with Disqus you can just leave your name and e-mail in the section provided for that and still leave a comment.  It will certainly make replying to your comments a whole lot easier. You will get my reply right to your e-mail inbox. I won’t have to reply in the comment section and hope you saw ir OR reply via e-mail individually to everybody.

Thank you again for your continued support and love. And for all the comments!

My own parents lost a baby at 18 days old – my twin sister Melanie.  I’ve always asked my mom how she handled that and she’s always said they were able only with God’s help. The magnitude of the loss my very own parents suffered didn’t really hit me until I had my own children!

After the unbelievable amount of crying I did while following the slow passing of two year old Layla Grace I thought to myself ” That’s it! I’m not reading any more of these sad blogs!! I’m not following any more sick and dying children .”

It’s too sad!  There are so many of these children out there. There are so many of them who need prayer.

How many of these blogs do I read? How many of these children do I pray for?

Do you feel the same way? I know that I end up feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. Guilt that I live in my own little world with my healthy  children mostly unaffected by these families with dying children. Guilt because I think to myself  ” Thank God it’s  someone else and not me.”

Let’s be honest. When we hear about someone’s tragic story we all think to ourselves  ” Thankfully it’s them and not me.”

Until it is us.

On February 16th Layla’s mother wrote about how the house  was so quiet now because all Layla did was sleep. How she remembers back when she wished  for some peace and quiet and for a few minutes to “get stuff done”.  How everything took longer because Layla was underfoot. She wrote how if she had to do it all over again she would enjoy every waking moment to the fullest and how she wanted Layla to be underfoot now.

I can’t tell you how that broke me. I had just that very day been getting on to and yelling at my girls for their messes , fighting and interruptions. Wanting  ” just 5 minutes!!” to complete a task. Oh how terrible I felt. I started crying and promised myself that I would make more of the waking moments and stop wishing for bed time.

I don’t know why but I’ve always been the type of person that always just knows something terrible is going to happen. And I walk around trying to be mentally prepared for it. Before I got married, I just knew Mike was going die before our wedding. I saw several sad stories on t.v of tragic things happening to couples either right before their wedding or right after. Every time Mike was late coming home and I couldn’t reach him I just knew he was dead on the side of the road.

I finally started getting over that feeling…………until I had kids.

Now I just know something bad is going to happen to them! Seriously, it may sound funny but it’s really sad! I still fight the “doom complex” every now and then. Reading stories like Layla Grace’s doesn’t help either! My heart just goes out to her family and families like hers.

But…. how may of these kids do we pray for? What are we to do when we read stories like these? I  see prayer request links for sick children all over Twitter and Facebook all the time. Do I  click on every link? Do I get drawn in by their stories and spend my days in tears because I feel so bad for them? Do I keep questioning why these kinds of things happen and why God would allow it? What purpose these sick children serve?

I really can’t.

What I’ve come to decide is I may not read every story but I will say a quick prayer for that child and family as soon as I see the request. That the Lord will keep them in His care and in His hands. That His will be done. That is the best thing we can do for these families. Know that the Lord knows everything and that He has them in the palm of His hand. Our human and mortal minds can’t comprehend God’s reasons at times. They don’t seem right and they don’t seem just. And God knows that!

In Isaiah55:8-9 it says:

” “For my thoughts are not your thoughts and neither are your ways my ways” declares the Lord ” As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

Although I may never understand why He allows certain bad things to happen I  do trust that He knows what he’s doing.

In Matthew 25 it says :

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And then it goes on to say:

³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I know these verses don’t talk about having a sick and dying child. But I do believe it applies to me in the sense that worrying about stuff I have no control over    ( like my husband or children dying unexpectedly) is n0t going to do me any good. Walking around wondering why these beautiful children are sick and/or dying and railing at God is not going to do me any good. I have to trust that since  He takes care of the smallest things on earth He’s going to take care of me and those I love. I am so thankful my family knows the Lord and know exactly where they’re going when the Lord calls them home. That is such an relief!

We may not like His plan but His plan is perfect. Even if when we don’t understand it. I know that’s hard to grasp! And even more hard to live!

I apologize for how “ramble-y” this post is!  I just wanted to get some of these thoughts that have been wondering around in my head on bloggy paper.

What are your thoughts? How do those sad blogs and stories affect you?

I’ve been hit recently by, what feels like, small” blows.” Three women I know have announced they are “oopsie” pregnant. And none of them are in a good situation for having children-i.e unmarried or not in a healthy marital relationship and in severe financial strain. You can say what you want about marriage being old school and not needed to raise a child but I still  hold firm to my belief that it does matter. But, we’ll save that discussion for another day.  Two of the women aren’t even sure they can handle a baby at this point! And I stand here looking  skyward and saying ” HOW IS THIS FAIR???”. I’m in a pretty darn good situation to have another baby, yet, for some reason, it’s not happening.

I’m in an odd situation because of my secondary infertility. After doing some reading on the subject here I’ve found that secondary infertility affects 6 out 10 cases of infertility. That many couples struggling with secondary infertility are less likely to seek out a doctor because they assume once fertile always fertile. And in most cases couples suffering from SI don’t get the support from friends and family they need because they don’t feel it’s something they should complain about and feel guilty about desperately wanting more children. There are many people wondering why I write about such personal stuff for everyone and their brother to read. It’s for support! It’s therapeutic for me. And I hope that ,in some way, I can be a blessing to others as I write about my struggles.

The causes for SI are many times the same as they are for primary infertility.

Here’s what  secondaryinfertility. org says:

Couples may find that since the last pregnancy, one partner had an infection, gained weight, or started eating things that aren’t* healthy for them – affecting their fertility. Also, as we age, eggs become of lower quality and sperm counts may decrease. In fact, abnormalities with ejaculate or sperm are often to blame for secondary infertility. From ovulation problems and endometriosis to uterine fibroids and pelvic adhesions, the causes of secondary infertility are often treatable – and many couples find that after just a few short months they are able to conceive naturally once their issues are resolved.

*Don’t bother clicking “healthy”. For whatever reason it takes you to a site completely unrelated to this topic!

The weight gain part is certainly one that applies to me and Mike. Which is why we are working hard at eating healthier foods and exercising not only to give our fertility a little boost but for overall health benefits.  None of this will matter, however, if it’s not God’s timing for us to have  a baby.  I still believe that if God wanted us to have a baby right now He would have given us one. Maybe God wants us to be a little healthier. Maybe He sees some “behind the scenes” issue that we know nothing about that would make having a baby right now not a good thing. I don’t know! All I know is that I do trust Him, as much as I hate waiting and wondering.

Some days I’m really content. My girls are actually getting to the point where they’re “easier”. They’re bigger now so I don’t have to lug around as much stuff as I used to. I can take them places and not have to pull out a stroller or a car seat. (Although I’d gladly do that!) Other days I long for another baby so bad my heart hurts. And Katelyn has gotten to the point where she’s literally begging for  a baby sibling! I would love to make Katelyn and Madelyn  big sisters. They would make great big sisters! I truly don’t feel like they are “it”. I do have peace that God will give me more children. I just don’t know when!

As for the next step for us? I’m not sure yet. I will probably be having another ultra sound in the near future after (if??) Aunt Flow comes. Then we’ll see if the cyst is gone. After that, I have no idea what we’ll do.

A Bible verse that has been close to my heart here lately is this one:

Psalms 37:4-5

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass.

I don’t want my secondary infertility to define who I am. I don’t want to be ” Hi, I’m Mel, and I struggle with secondary infertility. Nice to meet you.” I want to be Mel,who delights herself  in the Lord. Mom and wife. Blogging addict. Coffee consumer.

Another couple of verses that almost makes me laugh it hits so close to home, is this one within the same chapter:

Psalm 37:7-8 (bold mine)

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret in only causes harm.

Allow me some liberty  to re-write  this verse and show you how I think  it applies to me :

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; do not get upset about other women who are getting pregnant before you when the circumstances are not right for it. Cease from thinking it’s unfair and forsake getting angry. Do not worry, stress or question God’s ability to provide another child for you. It’s not doing you any good and only causing you harm.

This is why I love my God and His Word! The Bible is applicable today even though it was written so long ago. And God is so loving and patient He allows me to yell ” IT’S NOT FAIR!!”  and stomp my feet at Him. But then He wants me to stop throwing a tantrum and just trust Him.

I’d  love to hear from you if you’re struggling with fertility issues. I would like to start a blog roll of blogging women who struggle with primary and secondary infertility.

And if you’re one of those disgusting fertile people ( kidding!!!) who wants to show support or doesn’t know what to say just tell us you care and love us and want to show your support. And if you’re a Christian tell us you’ll pray for us! (And really mean it!)

And, please, if you get pregnant(and are happy about it) don’t refrain from telling us  or act awkward. That honestly makes things worse! I know women are getting pregnant out there every day and the world doesn’t stop because I’m not getting pregnant. I may feel a tug of jealousy and sadness for myself but I’ll still be happy and celebrate with you. You deserve to celebrate and rejoice as much as you want.  It’s a wonderful occasion! But, if you’re not happy about it and wish you hadn’t gotten pregnant… don’t tell me those little bits of info. Keep those to yourself.

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 a new house. At least…not right now.  That’s what God pretty much revealed to us this weekend. We had to put on the big, ‘ol mean crappy breaks on our moving plans. After busting our butts for a couple of days ( and me pretty much for a whole month) our realtor came over on Saturday and told us we’re going to have to list our house for 30k-50k less than what we were planning on. She showed us a market analysis for our area and it was not pretty. We could sell our house right now but we wouldn’t get what we need for it to be able to buy a better house than the one we already  have. So…..we stop. And that really sucks. Big time.

So, in the mean time, we wait. Just like we’re waiting for God to answer other prayers. We unpack some stuff and other stuff we leave packed. After a sad and disappointing weekend I feel better today. God showed me I should be thankful that I have a house right now. He’s meeting our needs above and beyond what we deserve.  The house looks the best it’s looked in a long time! Mike did a great job putting a back splash  behind our stove and sink. There’s much less clutter. We have a bunch of stuff ready for a garage sale in the spring.

But I’m still really disappointed and upset.

We’ll chug a long here. I’ll be back to blogging more frequently now.

And we’ll wait.

The Bible says a lot about waiting. When I did a search on the word “wait” on Biblegateway.com there were 142 verses that popped up. When I searched for “wait on the Lord” 42 verses popped up. Apparently there’s something about waiting that God wants us to learn!! Here are a couple of my favorites:

Psalms. 27:14

Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strenthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!!

Isaiah 40:31

But those who wait on teh Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

Psalms 130:5

I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope.

I know I’m not the only one waiting on God. Who else is waiting?

I pray these verses bless your heart like they have mine.

For the past 15 months, to be exact, we have been praying, trying and hoping to have another baby. Many people have joked that “isn’t it time?” and people have asked if we want more and I’m even sure that there are people who have been curious but too polite to ask when we were planning on having another one.  After all, we do want four kids. Well, now you know. I was hoping to have another baby yesterday. When we decided to stop using birth control last July we I just assumed we’d have a baby by now. But, apparently God has other plans. I know this issue is a huge one among women today. My heart goes out to the millions of women who struggle with conceiving and fertility. It breaks for women who have been told they will never conceive or for those who have been trying for years to conceive their first. Please know I am not trying to categorize myself  with those women. I would not assume to completely know their pain. After all, God has utterly blessed me with two beautiful and healthy girls. If I never have another child I will still be blessed beyond what I deserve. This fact still doesn’t take away from my desire to have more children and my disappointment each month when that doesn’t happen.

We tried to conceive for almost 2 years before I got pregnant with Katelyn. When we first set off in that endeavor we were so excited and figured it would happen within 6 months. So we told everybody. That was probably some of the hardest and longest 21 months of my life. During that time friends got pregnant had babies and got pregnant again. Of course, as any woman who’s trying to get pregnant knows, it feels as if everyone around you is getting pregnant. Except for you. So many people were praying and routing for us. We really appreciated all the love and support. I even had friends who got pregnant and felt terrible to tell me! Although I appreciated the love I certainly didn’t want anyone  to feel bad about their good news.  One thing I had a hard time with were all the questions/advice/suggestions  each month (although well meaning) like ” So…are you pregnant yet?” , “Hurry up! I want you to be pregnant with me!”  and various medical advice and suggestions. I went to the doctor and had various tests. Nothing was wrong with me.

The other thing that would make me cringe was when someone would announce they were pregnant and everyone would discreetly and not so discreetly look at me to see my reaction. Others would ask, later, if I was ok. Talk about feeling like my nerves and deepest emotions were being exposed! And of course I was always happy for the person although deeply desiring that same good news for myself. Then, (oh joy!) God blessed us with Katelyn. I will never forget the day I got the positive result on that pregnancy test. It was euphoric. The joy and excitement expressed to us by family and friends was overwhelming. I will never forget that time. Then I got pregnant with Madelyn when Katelyn was 13 months old. It was almost a surprise!! How easy that felt. I hadn’t been on birth control since I got pregnant with Katelyn. I thought that maybe taking so long to conceive with Katelyn had been just  a fluke. Although we weren’t trying to conceive, it still took us a year to get pregnant with Madelyn. But it still felt like perfect timing. They would be just under two years apart. Great!  After I had Madelyn I was a little overwhelmed with having two small children so I decided to go back on birth control pills because at the time I couldn’t fathom getting pregnant right away if that were to happen. Apparently I had nothing to fear! I found out recently that there is actually a name for this. Secondary Infertility. (There are links at the bottom of this post to more information on this subject)

So here we are. I remember in March getting very sad that once that month had passed my chance of having a baby this year was gone.  As Mother’s Day neared I thought ” What a great Mother’s Day gift that would be” and found out a few days before that I was not pregnant. Then Father’s Day rolled around and I thought the same thing.  Then my birthday (What an awesome birthday gift!) and our trip to Texas (what a great surprise for my family!) and …..nothing. Now Mike’s birthday has arrived.I just knew this was going to be it. I even had the way I was going to tell him all planned out for his birthday. And….still nothing.  Although I would love to blame my not getting pregnant on some supposed residual affect  of those birth control pills,I can’t.  I would love to blame it on my weight because being overweight can affect fertility. I could blame a lot of things but the only person I can “blame” is God. He could make this happen. But He’s choosing not to. I’ve run the gamut of emotions. I’ve been angry, sad and frustrated. I’ve stomped my feet and yelled at God. I’ve cried in disappointment to Him. I’ve questions Him month after month.  Please don’t let it take as long as it did with Katelyn! And what if takes as long or longer? What then? What will it mean?

Why does God give the Duggars 19 children and other women none? Why do 14 year old girls get pregnant and have abortions when there are couples waiting with empty arms? These questions are tough and we will never understand them. But God does. And He can take whatever we say to Him.One of the answers is that we live in a sinful world and because of that bad things happen. Bad things happen to good people. Life is unfair from our perspective. I know God is in control. He has a reason and He has a purpose. And he doesn’t owe me an explanation although I’d really like one!

I read this today from the “Purpose Drive Life”

” God wants you to develop the kind of character described in the beatitudes of Jesus, the fruit of the Spirit, Paul’s great chapter on love, and Peter’s list of characteristics of an effective and productive life. Every time you forget that character is one of God’s purposes for your life, you will become frustrated by your circumstances. You’ll wonder “Why is this happening to me? Why am I having such a difficult time?”

So, maybe God’s trying to develop my character. Maye He knows that I wouldn’t deal well with three children right now. Who knows? All I can do is wait. So I move on. I keep praying that His will be done and that I’ll be happy with however many children He wants to give me. I’m doing my best to not focus on this right now. I have so many good things going and many exciting opportunities to partake in coming up.

And I wait. And I’m ok. Really. I don’t need to talk about it a whole lot. I’ll feel free to write about it as I feel led on this blog. I’ll be sure to share the news with the WORLD when it happens. If it does. And I’ll be ok.
So… I’ve exposed my heart. It’s out there. Was this authentic enough?

And if you’re interested here are a couple links to articles about Secondary Infertility-

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/preconception/suspectingaproblem/troubletryingforanother/secondaryinfertility/

http://www.cookiemag.com/brain/momhealth/2006/11/secondshot

The Guilt Of Secondary Infertility (great article if you struggle with guilt over desiring another child)

http://www.preconception.com/articles/diagnosed-infertility-issues/secondary-infertility-1303/