23 Months
I serve an awesome God. I serve a great God. I serve a God who can turn things around in a blink of an eye if He so wills it. So before you think that this is going to be a “depressing” post about how long I’ve been trying to conceive I assure that it’s not. It’s a post about how God is working in me. (And maybe a few of my own ramblings thrown in)
(Oh, and I’m writing this at 7:15 in the morning on my deck on this beautiful, sunny, warm morning. The birds are chirping. It’s just right!)
Where was I? Oh yes! 23 months. We’ve been trying to get pregnant now for 23 months. Why is that number important? Because it took me 22 months to get pregnant with Katelyn. So, it’s now officially taking us longer than it did to conceive Katelyn. And that kind of scares me. As silly as it sounds, the 22 months that it took us to get pregnant with Katelyn was kind of a “marker” for me, so to speak. I had told the Lord that it couldn’t possibly take us longer than 22 months. I had been pretty confident that it wouldn’t take that long. Now that it’s passed that it’s like it’s opened up a whole new time frame for me. So, will it actually hit TWO years of trying now? Will it go past that? That’s whole new territory for me.
And the other thing is, did my my miscarriage make our trying to conceive start back to zero? These are things I think about!!! And speaking of my miscarriage….
Since it all happened so quickly I’ll admit to wondering…….. if I was ever really pregnant. Yes, those doubts have been crossing my mind which is making it hard to have closure. It’s making it hard to actually say “miscarriage” anymore with total confidence and peace. It’s making it hard for me to put myself in the category of Women Who’ve Had {real} Miscarriages. I keep thinking “What if those two tests were wrong?”, “What if I was just 6 days late?”. Granted I’ve never been that late but, things happen, right? It’s all so surreal now.
My doctor certainly shrugged it off as an “early miscarriage”. I didn’t get any of the advice that other women have gotten after a miscarriage. And maybe it’s because I went to my Primary Care physician instead of an OB. I wasn’t in the care of an OB yet so I didn’t have that option.
So, there you go…. my dilemma. I now feel like I can’t say with total peace and certainty that what I had was a real miscarriage. I now feel uncomfortable talking about it or even getting “consoled” by loving and caring people because I keep thinking ” What if….”. What if I got all those lovely cards, prayers, hugs, words of encouragement and sympathetic hugs…. for a fluke?? What if I’m a fake? However, I’m still dealing emotionally with loss! With a loss that, in my mind, may have been a false positive!
So, I may never know for sure until I get to Heaven if it was “real” or not. I may have to choose to believe it was real and go with the “evidence” that was given to me. The joy we felt for those 6 days is worth it. And maybe the Enemy is trying to make me have doubts. One thing I do know- God’s love is real. My relationship with Him is real. His work in me is real. The family and blessings He’s given me is real.
I’ve been praying so much for God to work in me here lately. To change me. I need changing so badly! To be a better mom and wife. Just to be a better person in general. It’s so easy to write stuff on a blog and make yourself sound wonderful.
Two principles that really struck a chord with me from our recent study of Beth Moore’s “Esther: It’s Tough Being A Woman” are these:
*God can turn the tables of our life anytime.
Beth gave the participants an exercise that I really enjoyed. She took 9 scenarios that make being a woman “tough” and created a worksheet with them. Them under them she had us write a verse in the Bible that directly corrolates to that but shows how God can completely change that issue. We were then to write on our own time the “tough” scenario on one side of a notecard and the verse that shows that God change that scenario on the other side. So whenever we’re going through one of those trials or insecurities all we have to do is look on the other side of the note card to see how God can change that issue for us. He completely turned the tables { for the better!} for Esther and the Jews when things looked their bleakest for them. He turned the tables on evil Haman too. Haman went from smug and sure things were going his way and then he ended up hanging from the gallows he intended for Mordecai! { I encourage you to read the whole story of Esther in the Bible if you never have. Just read the book of Esther!) Things were going one horrible, certain direction for the Jews yet God completely changed their course. He can do that for us too. He can turn our mourning into feasting.
* If_____________ then GOD.
Have you ever thought or said ” I don’t know what I’d do if __________ happened” ? Well, Beth presented to us that no matter what happens to us there will always be God. And He will lift us from the pit. So the point of the phrase is “If (blank because it doesn’t matter WHAT you put here) then GOD” God is the end all be all. He will sustain us. NO MATTER WHAT.
And on a much smaller scale, God still wants to work on little ol’ me. My issues don’t have to be my issues anymore. Things I think I can’t let go of I CAN let go of. Things don’t have to stay the same. I don’t have to stay the same. God can change me. I just have to be willing to let go.
I’ve written some things/issues/ requests on paper that I’m handing over to God or that I want to be rid of completely. I’m going to pray over each one and then I’m going to rip each paper and throw it away. It may sound silly but it’s symbolic for me. That I’m getting rid of extra “baggage”. That I can change and I don’t have to be the way I am about certain things.
FREEDOM!
And now…. my time is up for blogging. My girls are out here on the deck with me and we need to officially start our day. Mike has the day off today so we can get some stuff done.
If you took the time to read this whole post…..thank you!! Have a blessed day.
