19 Months And Counting…
It’s been 19 months of trying to conceive a third child. Well, 19 and a 1/2 but who’s counting, right? (Me!!!!!) Almost 4 months since I wrote this post about my secondary infertility. I thought it was time to write about this sensitive topic once again. When I wrote that post almost 4 months ago I was obviously hoping that by now I’d have posted an “I’m pregnant!” post. That was not to be. I’m expecting “Aunt Flow” any day now but still maintain the hope that this will be “it” this time. I keep thinking ” How long is this really going to take?”. And I continue to feel guilty when reading blogs by women struggling with conceiving for the first time like Ashley at For The Love Of Shoes…..And A Baby Too. I feel terrible when I read that a dear friend of mine who has one beautiful little girl has miscarried yet again after trying to conceive for about a year. How terrible it must be to be able to conceive and go on to the lose the baby. Not once but many times over. How those two little lines that appear on that pregnancy test must hold hope and fear at the same time. I have so much empathy to give to women struggling to conceive for the first time because I was there. But then I wonder if they really want to hear from me since I already have two kids.
I’ve been hit recently by, what feels like, small” blows.” Three women I know have announced they are “oopsie” pregnant. And none of them are in a good situation for having children-i.e unmarried or not in a healthy marital relationship and in severe financial strain. You can say what you want about marriage being old school and not needed to raise a child but I still hold firm to my belief that it does matter. But, we’ll save that discussion for another day. Two of the women aren’t even sure they can handle a baby at this point! And I stand here looking skyward and saying ” HOW IS THIS FAIR???”. I’m in a pretty darn good situation to have another baby, yet, for some reason, it’s not happening.
I’m in an odd situation because of my secondary infertility. After doing some reading on the subject here I’ve found that secondary infertility affects 6 out 10 cases of infertility. That many couples struggling with secondary infertility are less likely to seek out a doctor because they assume once fertile always fertile. And in most cases couples suffering from SI don’t get the support from friends and family they need because they don’t feel it’s something they should complain about and feel guilty about desperately wanting more children. There are many people wondering why I write about such personal stuff for everyone and their brother to read. It’s for support! It’s therapeutic for me. And I hope that ,in some way, I can be a blessing to others as I write about my struggles.
The causes for SI are many times the same as they are for primary infertility.
Here’s what secondaryinfertility. org says:
Couples may find that since the last pregnancy, one partner had an infection, gained weight, or started eating things that aren’t* healthy for them – affecting their fertility. Also, as we age, eggs become of lower quality and sperm counts may decrease. In fact, abnormalities with ejaculate or sperm are often to blame for secondary infertility. From ovulation problems and endometriosis to uterine fibroids and pelvic adhesions, the causes of secondary infertility are often treatable – and many couples find that after just a few short months they are able to conceive naturally once their issues are resolved.
*Don’t bother clicking “healthy”. For whatever reason it takes you to a site completely unrelated to this topic!
The weight gain part is certainly one that applies to me and Mike. Which is why we are working hard at eating healthier foods and exercising not only to give our fertility a little boost but for overall health benefits. None of this will matter, however, if it’s not God’s timing for us to have a baby. I still believe that if God wanted us to have a baby right now He would have given us one. Maybe God wants us to be a little healthier. Maybe He sees some “behind the scenes” issue that we know nothing about that would make having a baby right now not a good thing. I don’t know! All I know is that I do trust Him, as much as I hate waiting and wondering.
Some days I’m really content. My girls are actually getting to the point where they’re “easier”. They’re bigger now so I don’t have to lug around as much stuff as I used to. I can take them places and not have to pull out a stroller or a car seat. (Although I’d gladly do that!) Other days I long for another baby so bad my heart hurts. And Katelyn has gotten to the point where she’s literally begging for a baby sibling! I would love to make Katelyn and Madelyn big sisters. They would make great big sisters! I truly don’t feel like they are “it”. I do have peace that God will give me more children. I just don’t know when!
As for the next step for us? I’m not sure yet. I will probably be having another ultra sound in the near future after (if??) Aunt Flow comes. Then we’ll see if the cyst is gone. After that, I have no idea what we’ll do.
A Bible verse that has been close to my heart here lately is this one:
Psalms 37:4-5
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass.
I don’t want my secondary infertility to define who I am. I don’t want to be ” Hi, I’m Mel, and I struggle with secondary infertility. Nice to meet you.” I want to be Mel,who delights herself in the Lord. Mom and wife. Blogging addict. Coffee consumer.
Another couple of verses that almost makes me laugh it hits so close to home, is this one within the same chapter:
Psalm 37:7-8 (bold mine)
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret in only causes harm.
Allow me some liberty to re-write this verse and show you how I think it applies to me :
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; do not get upset about other women who are getting pregnant before you when the circumstances are not right for it. Cease from thinking it’s unfair and forsake getting angry. Do not worry, stress or question God’s ability to provide another child for you. It’s not doing you any good and only causing you harm.
This is why I love my God and His Word! The Bible is applicable today even though it was written so long ago. And God is so loving and patient He allows me to yell ” IT’S NOT FAIR!!” and stomp my feet at Him. But then He wants me to stop throwing a tantrum and just trust Him.
I’d love to hear from you if you’re struggling with fertility issues. I would like to start a blog roll of blogging women who struggle with primary and secondary infertility.
And if you’re one of those disgusting fertile people ( kidding!!!) who wants to show support or doesn’t know what to say just tell us you care and love us and want to show your support. And if you’re a Christian tell us you’ll pray for us! (And really mean it!)
And, please, if you get pregnant(and are happy about it) don’t refrain from telling us or act awkward. That honestly makes things worse! I know women are getting pregnant out there every day and the world doesn’t stop because I’m not getting pregnant. I may feel a tug of jealousy and sadness for myself but I’ll still be happy and celebrate with you. You deserve to celebrate and rejoice as much as you want. It’s a wonderful occasion! But, if you’re not happy about it and wish you hadn’t gotten pregnant… don’t tell me those little bits of info. Keep those to yourself.
